This Is Going To Violate A Little Bit Of Copyright, But…

When I see a man, I want to smack him in the face. It’s so much pleasure to pound on a man’s face.

I sit in my room doing nothing.

Then—someone’s come over to see me; he’s knocking on my door. I say, “Come in!” He comes in and says: “Greetings! It’s great that I’ve caught you at home.” And that’s when I knock in his face, and then I let my boot fly into his crotch, too. My guest falls over from the terrible pain. And I give him a heel to the eyes! Like, don’t be whoring around when you’re not invited!

Or else, there’s also another way: I offer my guest to take a cup of tea with me. The guest accepts, sits down at the table, drinks his tea and starts telling me some story. I make it seem like I’m listening to him with fascination—I nod my head, sigh, make my eyes wide with surprise, and laugh. The guest, flattered by my attentions, gets more and more animated.

I calmly pour myself a whole cup of boiling water and throw the boiling water in the guest’s face. My guest springs to his feet grasping his face. Then I tell him: “There is no more benevolence in my soul. Get out!” And I push my guest out the door.

—Daniil Kharms